Taking too long? Close loading screen.

iCar

The Apple iCar will soon be available in an Apple store near you!

  • It comes with the iBattery – No need to ever replace it, as it’s not replaceable. Just buy a new iCar when it expires.
  • The extra large 6” screen, while perhaps a bit smaller than competitors, is because Apple’s research has determined that size is ideal.  Tim Cook was quoted as “We will never produce a car display over 6” – it would be far too confusing to have hundreds of application icons on a large screen. Since we invented finger motion, we’ve put it to good use.” The 30 minute finger motion tracking seminar makes it easy to learn to get to those hundreds of pre-loaded applications while driving.
  • In a unique twist, they have gone Tesla one better with the iPedal. The first 1/3 of travel activates the brakes, the next 1/3 controls regeneration, and the final 1/3 works as an accelerator.  “This is a huge advance. When you release the iPedal, it automatically activates ABS, maximum braking and puts the car in park. We think this will be a fundamental advantage that owners will come to love after they get used to it.”  It should be noted that most owners destroy the first set of tires learning the iPedal and these are not covered under warranty.
  • Of course Apple will include a replacement for Siri, called “Joe”.  Just tell Joe where he can go, have Joe dial a phone, or even turn on your headlights.  “Joe – Turn on headlights”,  and just like Siri, it confirms each operation “ Yes, turning car into the oncoming headlights”.  We are still working on Joe, but we promise that v2 will be perfect.
  • Keyless ignition using your iPhone.  The iCar detects your iPhone and allows immediate access. Non-iPhone users are required to carry a physical key, and enter a 24 character password to start the car. For security, the password is automatically changed on each access to a new random 24 character password which is viewable only on an iPhone.

The Apple  iCar will require special items only available from Apple:

  • iCharger –While not yet a standard, the iCharger offers a new connector that is only available on the iCar.  Apple service will be happy to install the iConverter necessary to change your 240VAC (in North America) to 160 V 4-phase used by the iCharger.  Apple will be releasing a specification so that other charging networks can be built to supply the 160 V 4-phase electrical connections (license required).
  • iWheels in 19.75″, because if it was a standard size you might not put on Apple iWheels.
  • iWasher fluid, at $45.95 a pint. While you might think it is just colored water, you can trust that with the iWasher label, it’s genuine Apple water.
  • iBlades – No need to deal with those confusing sizes and third-party solutions, the fixed 22.5″ wiper blades comes in 4 colors – lime green, royal purple, hot pink and white. Since they look awful when dirty, you’ll need to be sure to use lots of iWasher fluid to keep them looking great!

Yes, this is in jest, and actually Apple is likely to produce something quite interesting, although I don’t expect it will be an actual car or van, but who knows?  If it is, let’s at least hope it’s an EV.

Leave a Reply