Home Humor How to create a Tesla Killer Press Release

How to create a Tesla Killer Press Release

  1. Name – Create a cool name for your new concept car such as the “TurboFire 1000”. The name is always changed in production after going through many focus groups and committees to get the production name like the “Eggbeater 1000”
  2. Range – Claim the Eggbeater 1000 will have 500 miles of range. The fact that your company hasn’t figured out how to do more than 100 miles of range is immaterial. Better yet, just say a “range of 500” and imply miles, but plan to use the wildly inflated EU km standards so you can get away with a much smaller battery (and a lot less range).
  3. Charging – no reasons to hold back. Best to be better than Tesla, so claim 15 minutes or less charging time. The fact that it would require close to 500 kW to do this and your charging cable would be 8” thick is not important. Also, leave out the state of charge, so when it really takes many hours under CHAdeMO 30 kW, you can say you meant 15 minutes was for a 10% to 20% charge!
  4. Infrastructure – Emphasize that there are over 10,000 convenient charging locations across the USA. Leave off the fact that few are above 40 kW and most are 20 kW or under. Few stations come close to Tesla’s 250 kW and nothing in existence handles 500 kW. You might add that every participating dealer is providing a charging station too.  Of course, the single stall will usually be ICEed or in use by the dealer is not something you want to bring up.
  5. Image – make sure the Eggbeater 1000 is cloaked so users don’t get a peek at what will either be another ICE discard retrofitted to be an EV or bizarro styling to ensure slow sales.
    drapped car
  6. Production – Show you are serious with a production number – at least 30,000. You need about that many to get enough ZEV credits so you can keep producing your high pollution gas hogs.
  7. Performance – Likely best to avoid showing 0-60 times, as you know it will be purposely designed to be a dog so it doesn’t show up how bad the rest of your ICE lineup is.
  8. Extras – Add something Tesla doesn’t’ have at the moment. Level 5 fully autonomous driving is a good one. Since you haven’t figured out to do reliable level 2 lane keeping, it’s just another pie-in-the-sky you can offer to complete your Tesla Killer! Besides, you plan to hire those engineers in the next year or two and it really couldn’t be that difficult could it?
  9. Delivery – Talk about how it will be marketed in just a year or two. Most suckers don’t know that marketing is not the same as delivery and will foolishly assume it will be available in a year or two when we all know it will be closer to five years!
  10. Cost – This is a hard one. Use a price slightly above Tesla to imply the Eggbeater 1000 is better than the related Tesla model. Use a price slightly below Tesla to show you have better value. The actual cost is not material, as it’s expected to lose at least $10,000 per copy, but allows for the continued selling of obscenely high-profit margin trucks and SUVs.
  11. Comparison – It’s best to avoid any direct comparison, but sprinkle Tesla at least three times in the release to imply the Eggbeater 1000 is as good or better than Tesla’s vehicles.
  12. Wrapup – Send to the major news outlets so you can bask in your glory and imaginary green cred!

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